Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Want My Daughter and Husband to Love ME More, NOT More of ME!!

If I had a dollar for every weight loss program I have stopped and started, I would be pretty wealthy.

If I had a dollar for every time I asked myself, "When are you going to start eating healthy and get rid of this weight?" - I would be able to afford a personal trainer and cook on a regular basis.

I started this blog to share my trials and tribulations with you as a mom and wife and as to be honest, weight is a large (ok, no laughing!) part of who I am and something clicked in me the last few weeks that I really need to start dealing with my weight and start getting healthy. While this is not going to be a weight loss blog, I am going to use this as a venue to both get support and hold myself accountable.

What is the big impetus this time that is motivating me ? Come on, for those of you who battle with weight, you know there is always a reason and/or event that springs you into action. . .and the key is to hope that while that event/reason may come and go, the motivation to get healthy says with you. . .before I get into that, let's look at my past motivations.

I remember starting diets as early as high school - I was on Weight Watchers (all the way back when they had "exchanges", not points and the only fruit you could eat for like the first week was apples, oranges & grapefruits - anyone remember that?) and I believe my mother even signed me up for Diet Center too. . .I am sure this is an exaggeration, but I remember that diet required me to weigh-in every day (I used to take my earrings off for fear they would add an ounce!) and I don't remember being allowed anything to eat other than like Wasa Crackers and a piece of fruit here and there. I don't remember having any motivation for them - I think I was just put on them. Now, I was not thin in high school, but I was definitely not obese. I have a warped memory of how much I had to lose, but it certainly wasn't a large amount.

Fast forward years and lots of pounds later to my junior year in college. I had wanted to go to Spain for the following summer or fall as an exchange student. I vividly remember my parents bribe - if you lose weight, you can go to Spain. So, they signed me up for my first of three times with Nutrisystem. I was ultimately pretty successful and lost quite a bit of weight. I actually just dug up some pictures from college and there were quite a few of me taken during that time and I was even bordering on a weight that someone could call thin. . .or certainly normal!! I'm not sure if I ever reached my goal weight or whatever happened to Spain and why I didn't go, but I can tell you that over the next year or two I had gained all my weight back that I lost.

While in law school, I joined Weight Watchers a few times and even took a stab again at Nutrisystem. ..other than successfully giving my money and time to these programs, I wasn't too successful at them. I lost a little bit here and there, but nothing substantial and whatever I lost always came back.

While I played around with trying to go on a diet before my wedding, I didn't. . .but that is okay, I still felt like a beautiful princess and loved every minute of being in my wedding dress.

Now after my wedding, my mother suggested I go on Phen Fen (back in 1995 or 1996) and boy - that was like gold to me!! Those drugs were the best invention on the planet. Without much effort at all, the weight melted off of me and I thought I had finally licked my food problem. Well, I did, until they took my drugs off the market.. .how could they??? In truth, those drugs did exactly what they were supposed to do - curb my appetite (the upper) and mentally made not care about food and do the mental gymnastics that I always do (should I eat that? should I not? should I make a better choice?) - but they didn't teach me to address the problem when I was off the drug.

So, the drug was taken away from me cold turkey and I ate my way through the next few years. I did try some other weight loss drugs, but nothing ever had the success rate that Phen Fen had for me.

Jump forward a few years later while I am trying to get pregnant. After a few years of trying, we went to a fertility specialist and while I didn't want any of us to be "the broken one" - I think I had hoped it was my husband because that was an easier fix. Well, it was me who was broken, not him. In addition to producing very very very few eggs and follicles during ovulation (some months I didn't even ovulate), it was discovered after a number of tests and a round of Super Clomid that I had Type 2 Diabetes. The plan was to wait until the Diabetes was under control before we continued with fertility treatment because having a baby with Diabetes can put you into a high risk category.

Well, guess what? I was already pregnant! We found out about a week later. .. and immediately I was put on insulin and transferred to a high risk ob and I had to test my blood 6 times a day. And guess what? I was the healthiest pregnant person around - I lost quite a bit of weight (the insulin helped tremendously with regulating my blood sugar and cravings, etc) and once again, while I was upset I had diabetes, I was happy to have found a possible reason for my weight challenges.

Thankfully my pregnancy was easy and wonderful and my daughter was born healthy with no blood sugar issues. Three months after my pregnancy, I was still pumping (my daughter never latched on, so I pumped for the first 3 - 4 months) and on insulin and losing more weight and happy as could be. Then. . .they took my insulin away. Apparently one cannot be on insulin long term when they no longer have diabetes.

Yep - go figure -when I went back to my endocrinologist, my blood sugar was no longer in the diabetic range (and hasn't been again in the last 6.5 years, despite numerous tests and eating like crap). So, once the scare of diabetes and my insulin was taken away, I headed again down the path of eating, eating and more eating.

So, over the last few years I have joined and dropped out of Weight Watchers a few times and last January I even joined Nutrisystem for the 3rd time. I did lose almost 30 pounds - but once the Jewish Holiday Passover hit (one of my fave holidays!), I fell off the diet and was never able to get motivated to get back on. . ..

So, you ask, why am I motivated now? Yes, there is the obvious reason of wanting to be healthy and living a long time for my daughter and husband. . .but come on, that reason is always there in one form or another for most of us and sadly, often that just isn't enough.

Here is my motivation - simple, yet pretty powerful.

My daughter is not embarrassed by having a Mommy who is fat (forget being politically correct and saying overweight - let's just call it what it is. . .). . .yet. And I say yet, because we all know , it will come. Her mommy will be the one wearing a skirt on the bottom of her bathing suit - whether its trendy that year or not. Her mother will be the one with her tushy always hanging over the kids' seats in the classroom. I could go on and on. . .

Last week it was pretty hot in Phoenix for March - it was in the 90s. Allie had on an adorable tank top and skirt. I was in a short-sleeved t-shirt and capris. Allie asked me why I wasn't in a tank top because it was so hot out. I fumphered some answer and she said I would be so much cooler if I wore a tank top and she wanted to go pick one out for me in my closet. I told her I didn't have any tank tops -she proceeded to dig a couple of out my drawers (I'm not sure why they are even there, because I can guarantee you with arms like mine, I don't wear them!) and told me to try it on. I tried to protest as much as I could (too old, too small, too big, etc) - finally I put it on. Allie looked at me with a really funny look and said to take it off, it looked horrible.

OMG - I am wondering and thinking about all the things going through her head about how she sees me in this tank top. Then I see her mouth opening to say more. . .god, I didn't want to hear it. What more than telling me it looked horrible did she have to say.

"Mommy", Allie says, "you should throw that away, there is a big stain on the front and that is a really yucky orange color and it just looks horrible. But here, try this purple one on, I bet that will be pretty on you. . ."

So, bottom line. I want to lose weight and hopefully look okay in a tank top BEFORE Allie knows I don't look okay in a tank top and a person with my arms should never consider wearing a tank top!

So, intermingled with my posts, I am sure I’ll be posting an update about the program and my personal weight loss successes and disappointments each week after my Weight Watchers meeting.

Oh yeah, and who is that in the picture with me? None other than Adam Pascal from Rent. Rent is my all time favorite musical (I have seen the musical 3 times and the movie countless times- I am one of those annoying people to sit next to while watching Rent because I sing/mouth all the words. . .yes, for the entire show!) and one of the most amazing gifts my hubby gave me for my 40th birthday was 3rd row tickets to Rent which we just went to last Friday. And to make the experience even more fabulous, a friend of a friend invited me to the Cast Party and I can tell you, I felt like Allie going to Disneyland for the first time - to get to meet Adam Pascal (who was just sooooo kind and warm and chatty. . . not to mention, rather hot!) and Anthony Rapp (I was always taught if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it. . .) was nothing less than FABULOUS!! I mean I got to share plates of pita bread and hummus with them. . .way cool as far as I am concerned!!

In any event, I promised myself there was not way I am going to be that large when I meet someone so famous and so hot again. . .

Hopefully this time is different and it lasts for more than a minute. . .care to join me on my journey?

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hula Hooping versus Reading. . .

I love my daughter to pieces, but an academic prowess she is not. She loves school - or rather, she loves her friends, PE, Computers (which no thanks to Jan Brewer and her education budget cuts that Allie's school won't have as a special next year!), Recess and homework (yes, homework!). Oh yes, and field trips too! And she loves raising her hand and listening to her own voice (as well as knowing others are listening too - ok, yes, she is a bit like Mommy here!). She doesn't even love lunch -because she says that takes away too much time for her recess (I am hoping that she always feels this way about food - would rather play than eat - you go girl!) - although she does love Thursday lunch because I give her extra money to get ice-cream.

Now, don't get me wrong - her reading group is the 2nd from top in the class and her report cards have all been excellent and she is testing all above grade level- but I think there is a BIG difference and jump between the top group in her class and Allie's group. And before you leave me comments in all caps, telling me to take it easy and I'm not giving her enough credit - I'm not passing any judgment - just telling it like it is. She is definitely in the top half of her class and she is bright - but she has to work for it and it doesn't come quickly or easily and, let's just say, she would rather be jump roping, hula-hooping (is that even a word?), on her trampoline or riding her scooter than reading.

As I curled up on the couch last night to try and get through the first book of the Twilight series (normally I am a fast reader, but unlike most of America I have yet to be grabbed by this book. . .but I keep promising my friends that I will finish it because they promise me that unless I am just a loser that I will love it. Well, sad to say, a loser I think I might be. . .), Allie told me that if I practice my hula-hooping more then maybe I could win a hula-hoop contest for adults like she just won that day at school for their Field Day.

I told Allie that I thought that was great and I was so proud of her, but maybe if she practiced reading more she would get better at it just like she thinks I could get better at hula-hooping. She paused, took it in, looked at me and said what I said didn't make sense because they didn't have contests at school for who was the best reader - only who was the best AT DOING SOMETHING.

And there you have it. . .maybe if they offer a blue ribbon for the fastest reader, Allie could be enticed to read more???

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Friday, March 13, 2009

When You are 40, Friendships Should be Easy. . .Not Hard

I feel that I am truly blessed in that I have surrounded myself with some really wonderful and amazing friends...we laugh together, cry together, giggle together, worry together, eat together and of course - whine and vent a bit about our hubbies or kids together!!

I firmly believe that behind every good marriage is a great group of girlfriends. . .and a good therapist!! :-)

But seriously, I find some of my friends are more work than others. . .do you ever find you walk on eggshells around some of your friends? I would say 99.9% of my friends treat me and make me feel like I can be who I am and while they might have different opinions than I, they are not judgmental.

But that other teeny tiny percentage- oy! Its like I can never win. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect and they are not. I'm not even saying that they aren't warm, loving people that if I needed something I could definitely ask them and I do believe they would be there for me. But the day-to-day relationship is challenging. Sometimes even toxic (or so my other friends and therapist say). Its like oil and water - yet our kids and history perhaps keep us together and coming back for more. And I am not a letter goer - not very easily anyways. I think I allow myself to be treated poorly for awhile - or you would have to do something pretty horrific for me to call it quits (and then its probably more out of self preservation and protection than a truly healthy decision to say "if this person is going to treat me this way, I don't need this friend anymore"). My therapist says I have no boundaries. . .

Do you have friends that you feel don't really treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but for nostalgia purposes you keep them in your life as well? Or are you a lot healthier than me?

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