Friday, July 18, 2008

I'm Just Not That Into Naked People


I have to tell you, I never thought of myself as a prude, but maybe I sadly am?

Ok, yesterday I am with my daughter at gymnastics and I need to use the restroom - so I go into the ladies locker room to do my thing. As I walk through, I notice out of the corner of my eye the yummy cuteness of little naked girls chasing each other around the locker room and it reminds me of how much I love Allie's naked little tush! I wonder where their mom is. Then as I'm getting closer to the toilets I see a completely naked woman blow drying her hair and trying to get the cute naked girls' attention while she was standing next to her completely naked friend who was putting on her make up. And as I see them, I have millions of thoughts flying through my head at insane speeds. Not the least of was, why do you have to be naked drying your hair and putting on your make up in front of EVERYONE?

As I head into my private bathroom stall, I close the door with relief and began to ponder why this is giving me so much anxiety. I know women all have the same "parts" but I have to be really honest with you, unless you are a cute little girl, I have NO INTEREST IN SEEING YOUR PARTS! And I sit down to pee with major relief that the naked moms didn't try to talk to me.

Now, just so we are clear - I love shopping with my girlfriends or going to the spa with them - but the amount of time we are truly naked with each other lasts for seconds - we usually are taking something off to immediately put something on - be it a towel, bathing suit, a robe, clothes, etc. We are not having lengthy conversations while being naked.

And lest you think I am prejudiced against women, I am not - my naked issues stem to men too. I mean, let's be honest here - I truly believe clothes were invented not to keep us warm and dry from the weather, but to prevent us from having to watch men and their parts flap around in all their glory. I think its even awkward to look at big ole' dogs who have not been neutered yet - can you honestly tell me that you think a dog is just as cute walking with a big package between his hind legs?

So, as I finish peeing I realize that the blow dryer has stopped and I hear some women talking about gymnastics and one woman saying, "I think that lady that went into the stall has a daughter in gymnastics." Now, I have the utmost confidence that these women are not the naked women - I mean surely after naked woman was done blow drying her hair she wasn't just standing around talking naked, right? I mean she is definitely getting dressed, right? Absolutely, I tell myself.

I leave the stall and I am face to face with the 2 naked women who want to talk to me about gymnastics. OMIGOSH. So, they introduce themselves and extend their hand - what am I to do? I must shake hands with these naked ladies - or else it would seem like I was being rude as they are extending their hands from their naked bodies. So I introduce myself and shake their hands and go to wash my hands and wonder how long I can possibly drag my hand washing out so when I talk I can stare straight at my hands and the water?

Well, not too long or I would seem like a complete social loser and of course that was more concerning to me than talking to naked women - not much more bothersome, but a little! :-)

So, I finish washing my hands and wouldn't you believe it, another naked woman joins us, but this time I sigh with relief as I see her grab a towel. But you know what, she put the towel on top of her hair - not her body! Hey ladies, I want to shout, please please get dressed because all I am thinking about while you are trying to talk to me is that you ARE NAKED!

And not that it is important, but let me tell you, each woman was a little more flabby then the next - its not like I was surrounded by women in pristine shape (I'm not saying that it would even make it better - but as I told this story to 2 girlfriends this morning, the first question they asked me was whether they were in good shape. So, I figured you might want to know the answer to that too. . .). Now I suppose they get major credit for being comfortable in their nakedness, regardless of their body shape and I do give them kudos for that - but that doesn't take away from the fact that I don't want to have a conversation with naked ladies. It just makes me squirm. I mean where do you look?? Ok, yes, I know you are supposed to look into someone eyes when you talk, but c'mon, let's be real! If that was the only place we looked when we talked to someone, we could never comment on their cute (or hideous) shoes, their fabulous (or scary) purse, their cute (or ugly) new top - etc - I mean, you can't help but look at the boobs and well, one had a brazillian, one did not. Oy - why am I sharing this with you???

So, me who is normally very verbose, tries to wrap up this gymnastics conversation quickly (especially after I dropped my cell phone on the floor and I had to bend down and pick it up in the middle of this circle of naked women!) - I virtually ran out the door telling them to come find me in the gym AFTER YOU'RE DRESSED if you want to chat about anything else - I was so excited to escape the locker room and return to watching my daughter's gymnastics class.

As I sit down, another mom from Allie's class joins me and I asked her where she was coming from. She told me the bathroom - and then she happens to tell me that she goes to the one farther away because the locker room has too many naked women just standing around for her liking. . .


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9 comments:

Lis Garrett said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Can we say . . . . AWKWARD!!

Lisa said...

OMG! I would have definitely been uncomfortable, and I'm not a prude. After all the years I went to the gym (haven't gone for a few years though) I only remember seeing women naked briefly while changing their clothes, but not standing and chatting for a long time. I think you handled it the best way you could.... When I was at the gym I put my clothes on as quickly as possible. And even with other women around I will still have the towels wrapped around my breasts while putting on underwear, and when I dropped it to get the bra on I hurried very quickly in getting on the bra...

I guess some people must be a lot more open...

Lisa

Veggie Mom said...

I run into these Mommies in the Buff (and some old crones, too!) when I go to the rec center to swim. Some people just like to go au natural!

adymommy said...

LOL!
I have had this very same issue with my daughter's swim teacher after swim class. To make matters worse my 2 year old SON wouldn't stop oggling her in all her naked glory.
We have started using the family locker rooms and last week after our parent/child swim I had a mom invite us to share with her. I didn't know what to do. I just accepted and very slowly got my son dressed hoping she would finish up and leave before I had to get dressed!

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

Oh my gosh, I would be so creeped out by naked women chatting in the locker room!

In the past I always changed in a stall (even though the dirtiness of it creeped me out too) rather than in public.

Modesty is a virtue.

- Marybeth I. said...

That is so funny. I can't believe she introduced herself and offered her hand naked.

Audrey said...

One of the reasons we left our old gym is I just couldn't deal with the naked women. I do not want to sit on the same bench your naked body was on. I do not want to see your naked body running all over the locker room. I do not wish to see you blow dry your hair naked in front of the mirror so you are now naked twice.

The new gym, women take off and put on clothes quickly. We've never seen anyone just hang out naked or dry their hair naked.

I found your blog through momdot.com. Very nice to meet you.

rmgales said...

This is too funny. I don't have a problem with what people do in the privacy of their home, but in public OMG. You handled yourself well. I would have drawn the line with the handshake though. Love this post!

Kelly D said...

My sentiments exactly!